I didn't know what to tell him, so I pushed him aside and started for my cot. About halfway across the room I decided the cot wasn't good enough for me, so I went right past it and into Qui-Gon's room, where I threw myself down on his big bed and burst into loud, painful sobs. I hadn't cried like that in years, but I couldn't stop myself. Every time I took a breath it turned into another wail, and every time I thought it was subsiding it didn't. I only vaguely felt Obi-Wan's presence at first, hovering in the doorway, but after a time he came closer, and then knelt, and after a long hesitation, smoothed a hand over my back. I turned my head away from him and kept crying until I choked.

Shortly after I got in, Qui-Gon came back. I curled myself into a ball when I heard his steps coming toward the room, still sobbing but afraid to face him. Obi-Wan knelt beside the bed, doing his best to comfort me by just rubbing my back in silence, but he announced his Master's entrance by demanding, "What happened?"

"The Jedi Council is trying to separate her from us," Qui-Gon said bluntly. There was a tense moment of silence, and then I felt a weight sink the bed beside me. "Stacey..."

"Go away," I whined at him. After a second, I added, "and if you even dare to tell me that I'm supposed to be controlling my emotions, so help me..." I tried to think of a nasty and believable enough threat, but I couldn't, so I left the ultimatum hanging in the air and shuddered instead, trying to breathe.

I heard him sigh long in frustration, but he said nothing. Obi-Wan got to his feet. "What did they say to make her react like this? I thought she knew..." He paused as I flipped my head over just to glare at him. "...I thought we expected something like this to happen sooner or later."

"Expected?" Qui-Gon questioned, his voice dreadfully quiet. "I did not expect this at all."

His apprentice frowned in uncertainty. "What did you tell the Council?"

"I had to tell them that their offer was refused. I had no choice. I will not let them separate us."

"But Master, you know we can't have her with us. It's too dangerous."

The weight lifted off the bed as Qui-Gon got to his feet. "You want her to be taken away from us? Do you not understand what that would do to her?"

"We don't know that it would do anything to her," Obi-Wan argued. "Master, we both care for her, but you're not seeing it. Keeping her with us like we've done all along is going to lead to trouble, even I know that. You're letting your feelings cloud your judgment."

The Master was silent for a moment. I lifted my head off the bed, wiping my face, and found him staring hard at his Padawan. At last, he spoke, his voice hushed with restrained anger. "I am not taking this position because of my own needs or desires. My personal feelings are irrelevant." He shot me a glance, and then took a deep breath, his shoulders heaving. "Padawan," he continued more gently, "I appreciate your concern. And, were I acting out of selfishness I would trust you to be the first to rebuke me. But I am not arguing for myself, I am only thinking of Stacey. I feel very strongly that to separate her from us for too long would be a detriment to her Force-sensitivity - not to mention her morale."

"But you and I both know that our missions are dangerous, and though we've been fortunate so far, all it takes is one mistake." Obi-Wan looked at me also, with genuine concern in his sea-gray eyes. For a moment he hesitated, and when he spoke, his voice faltered. "It isn't right."

"Obi-Wan, you don't understand. They are not merely asking Stacey to stay behind while we do our duty. They want to turn her out of the Temple."

The Padawan's head whipped sharply toward his Master. "What?"

"They want to remove her from my care and send her away from the Jedi Temple to live her life elsewhere. At least," he added tiredly, "that is the first and foremost option that was presented to us. There was a...breakdown, in communications, and the meeting ended before any more could be suggested."

"I stormed out," I corrected him. They both looked at me, Qui-Gon with resignation, Obi-Wan with a disturbed frown. "I blew up at them. You can say it. It's not like it didn't happen." I sniffled and coughed, as my throat closed and my sinuses stuffed themselves up. Now I remember why I hate these crying jags. Qui-Gon's blanket was a mess.

"Adi, Mace, Depa, and Eeth wanted to present the Council's position to us before they began to debate the outcome," Qui-Gon explained to Obi-Wan.

I wiped my nose on my sleeve, feeling far from beautiful right at that moment but not caring. "What did you tell them after I ran away?"

"I told them the offer is unacceptable, and they had better come up with more options before asking you to hear them again." He sat back down on the bed and eased a hand soothingly over my back. "They agreed with me. I have Mace's word that the Council will not discuss your future any more today."

"'Kay," I managed to groan. "But I don't think they'll change their minds. Master..." I sat up and made to face him. "Don't they get it? The Force brought me here, to you. I belong with you."

"And I believe that. I think you should stay with us."

I couldn't believe he was still going to back me up even though I had just run from him, and made him look like a fool in front of his respected friends and colleagues. "You're not going to turn me away."

Qui-Gon averted his gaze, taking a deep breath and letting it slowly sigh out. "How can I?" he murmured in response. "It has nothing to do with what I might wish. It has everything to do with what the Force has created between us. Well," he added, "that is mostly true." He smiled again, and as I gazed at him, I could see the shade of sadness in his eyes.

"You mean, the bond formed by your midi-chlorians," Obi-Wan mused softly. "I had forgotten about that. I mean...about the effect it has on her sensitivity."

"We don't know what will happen between us," Qui-Gon admitted, "but I can't think separating her from us would be positive in any way. The Council was thinking in terms of her alone, or myself alone, but not what effect we might have come to have on each other."

A sad smile crossed Obi-Wan's face. "But the Council doesn't know about the feelings between...us." He shifted his gaze to his Master. "Are you going to tell them?"

Qui-Gon shook his head briefly. "That would only make matters worse."

"But what are we going to do?" I whimpered, trying to swallow the tears this time.

The Master's hand reached out and wiped the tears from my face. "I don't know," he replied. "I want to do the right thing, but I also want to keep you by my side, and I'm not sure anymore if the two are one and the same. But," he added, "we have time. I managed to ask the Masters to postpone their debate until we have talked about this among ourselves, and are clear on what your needs are." His fingertips caressed my face again, though there were no more tears to dispel. "For your needs come first, on that everyone agrees. What I want, or what any of us think is right, is secondary."

I nodded morosely, digging the heels of my hands into my eyes to try to sober up. "I think," I whispered, "I need to be alone for a bit. I need to think."

Qui-Gon lowered his head and closed his eyes, a shadow of a nod of agreement. "I think that would be good for you."

I pushed myself to the edge of the bed and got up, passing both Jedi with my head bowed so as not to look into their expressive eyes. I didn't know where I was going, or what I was going to do, but I felt strongly that I needed to be alone, away from any intrusion - including theirs no matter how much I loved them and wanted them around me. As I neared the door, I heard Obi-Wan clear his throat. "There is a place," he said when I turned back toward him and found him leaning on the edge of the bedroom door, "...just a spot, really, not a chamber or anything. Four levels down, near the center of the Temple. You can overlook one of the artificial gardens."

"Thanks," I smiled at him, pressing the door pad.

I didn't know if I had found the exact spot Obi-Wan described to me, but it was rather close, as I slipped into a concealed corner where the pillared, angular architecture of the Temple's innards came together at just the right angle to form a sheltered ledge. It had taken me a while to find it, during which time my mind disengaged from revisiting the words that had sent me into a rage so that it could concentrate on navigation instead. As I walked, I kept my head lowered to hide my puffy, tear-stained face from passersby, though I was aware that more than once, my passage evoked a pause in step or a double-take. Maybe it was the sight of a civilian wandering unescorted through the Jedi Temple that bothered them, or maybe it had something to do with the Force. It wasn't because I had been crying, I quickly realized that.

Within the pyramidal structure, the Jedi Temple was honeycombed with separate wings and blocks, most of which converged in a four-pointed design that reflected the four corner spires surrounding the center spire on the very top. Obi-Wan had told me once that the center core of the pyramid housed only power circuits and conduits, whereas the rooms, chambers, halls, and dormitories of daily life were structured in a square around that core. I headed for the region described to me, having to pass into a separate wing by way of a sort of skywalk that looked down on a myriad of floors. The change in lighting was what got my attention, as I came across a balcony railing. Above me, large panel lights that simulated sunlight blazed, while a level or two below I could see the transparisteel skylight that filtered the fake sun into an artificial growing season. While standing there boggling at the technology, I found the angle that unintentionally created a dead space between support pillars and the balcony, a perfect ledge for a person to sit on and think without any chance of anyone passing by and interrupting them.

As I settled onto the ledge and leaned my head back against the wall, the feelings came trickling back to me and I had to blink back tears again. There was no worse feeling in the world than having all your worst fears about a situation come true. My problems were usually far smaller than my imagination made them out to be, but this time, this one time...why did I have to be right? All I wanted out of life was to be happy, to find friends who loved me for who I was and just live a happy life. Adventure was only the icing on the cake. I thought about Obi-Wan's question to me the night before, the one I had not answered: would I rather be home? And I decided no, I did not want to be home, not unless the Council came to a decision in the end and I was removed from Qui-Gon. That would have turned my life into the same thing I had on Earth: struggling to make a living and having friends who were distant from me, who I couldn't see except perhaps once or twice a year. But, I tried to reason with myself, at least if that happened you'd still be in Star Wars. Nobody can make a claim to that, nobody! That made me snort to myself. What would be the point, though? Why did I get Force-shoved back in time and through intergalactic space, if I'm just supposed to have the same kind of life as I did on Earth but with different scenery?

I let my eyes wander over the façade of the architecture across the way, counting the floors and seeing how high up I could see. The fact that I knew what was going to happen two and a half years from now was significant, I felt. It might have been the Force's purpose for flinging an Earthling into this place, rather than just choosing a Jedi who was strong in the unifying aspect of the Force and giving them visions of the future. Jedi seldom trusted visions, they knew they couldn't rely on them because the future was always in motion. Though, Qui-Gon had once said that it was possible for the future to be both in motion and set, at least in my case. Trying to wrap my mind around the temporal paradox made my head hurt, but I tried anyway. I had two choices regarding my intimate knowledge of the future: I could change it, or I could let it stay the same. But what could I change? I had better not change the fact that Qui-Gon finds Anakin, or that the Jedi rescue Amidala, or that the whole lot of them liberate Naboo. The only change that I could justify making was to prevent Qui-Gon's death, but right now, I didn't know how to do that without screwing everything else up. So, I reasoned, what if I keep everything the same? That wouldn't be too hard, I guessed, but then I remembered Rodia. Qui-Gon, collapsed in a tunnel, a knife stuck in his chest. Had I not been there, he would have still been tailed by Beren Teeg, who might have attacked him somewhere else, somewhere where Obi-Wan wouldn't have found him in time. No one would have been with the Master to push Teeg into a river and prevent him from finishing what he started. Qui-Gon took the tunnel route to keep me safe, and it was because of me that he lived. My heart clenched at that. What if, in some other reality, Qui-Gon died on Rodia and the Chosen One never got found? Then, the Force brought me here to save him! What if I am their guardian angel?

I sucked in a breath, as that realization settled on my shoulders. Maybe Qui-Gon's theory wasn't too far from the truth...maybe I was in fact meant to keep him and Obi-Wan from being anywhere but on a Republic cruiser bound for Naboo in a couple years. I covered my face with my hands. No, that can't be. Don't make me have to give him up. There's got to be a way. I've got two and a half years...I can find a way to save Naboo, find Anakin, and keep Qui-Gon alive in that time.

But not if I was forced to leave them.

I heaved a shaky sigh as my thoughts returned to the Council's proposal. There was so much they didn't know, and so little I could tell them. That I wanted to be sidekick to Master and Padawan was a given; I wanted to be with them and they wanted me. In my heart, however, I knew it would be wrong. Sure, I had been an asset so far, but I had also been a liability. Salji proved that. Even Chad, during the quake. Master Qui-Gon and his Living Force knew how to minimize the risk and make the most use of advantages, but Obi-Wan was right. It only took one mistake, and someone would be dead - likely me. I couldn't trust luck to hold out, because there was no such thing as luck. Another Obi-Wan far, far away taught me that.

I sat in that hidden spot for hours, staring down at the static reflections of the environmental lights on the top of the garden-room, reconciling the truth with my feelings. A lot more passed through my thinking in that time, though in the end I kept coming back to the main issue. It took a long time for me to come to accept that I did not belong on Jedi missions, and that Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan would need to go on without me, but I steadfastly refused to believe that I should have to be thrown out of the Temple and never see them again in order to do that. Mace had talked of distractions. Adi had too, once upon a time. But I was not a distraction. I could stay here, and see my friends when they came home from their missions, and no one would be distracted. By the end of the day, I had built up firm resolve on several points: there was no way I was going to let them throw me out - I meant what I had said about armed guards and dragging. And yet, I had finally come to grips with being left behind. I hated it, and thinking about it made me tear up every time, but I felt that of all the things I had been asked to accept about being in this strange land, the one that would cause the least pain for me would be staying behind while Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan did their Jedi duty in the galaxy. I wasn't sure how to tell them, though.

The huge panel lights above me suddenly cut out, and the filaments dimmed to black. I jumped at the loud snap as current ceased to power them, and sat there, mystified, as a darkness fell around me. Only then did I realize how long I had been sitting and thinking. Day, at least for the plants, was done. I questioned myself whether it was dinnertime, and subsequently my stomach growled. I wondered if there was a reason no one had called me home, but as I hopped off the ledge and patted down my pockets, I discovered I had left my comlink in quarters. That was enough of a sign for me to know it was time to head back.

When I came back into quarters, I found Obi-Wan pacing and Qui-Gon sitting, though they both started as I came through the door. I walked over to the tense Padawan without a word, and met his searching eyes with a pale, pathetic smile. "I was just about to go out and look for you," he told me.

"I didn't realize what time it was," I confessed.

Qui-Gon got up from his seat and joined us, towering over both of us with gentle eyes looking down. "Had enough thinking for one day?"

"I guess," I sighed. "I'm not coming up with any answers."

"Perhaps there are none," the Master speculated.

"But I need some," I insisted.

"As long as you know what the questions are," he added in pure, cryptic Jedi fashion. I decided not to pursue that comment, my head hurt enough already.

My two companions did me the most gracious favor and did not bring up anything having to do with the future, my future, the Council, missions, or my hysterical fit the rest of the night. I thought to myself, as I listened to them talk about many other things, that I had to learn from Qui-Gon how he could so easily put just about anything behind him and move forward, unaffected. In all the time I had known him so closely, the only thing that dogged his footsteps long after it was over was the death of Niall Oberanu. Everything else, grand or small, he could put aside and not be bothered by it. I wanted so desperately to be able to do that, too. Anything to prevent another outburst like the one today, which left me drained and melancholy and my eyes swollen in a frustrating and unpleasant manner.

I was preparing for bed as usual when Obi-Wan came up behind me, and I glanced back at him from under my arm while I tucked the blankets of my cot in. "What? Do you need something?"

"I just wanted to say good night." He was still dressed, still clad in his robe, which draped perfectly from his shoulders as he stood as straight and composed as he always did, hands hidden inside the over-long sleeves. His youthful brow had that one little furrow, that cleft between his eyebrows, that had already been etched there by concern and solemnity even at his young age. If not for that pronounced furrow, I wouldn't have known that he was still worried unless I made use of the Force.

I straightened up and turned toward him. "Good night," I said quietly, mustering a tiny smile.

Qui-Gon stepped out of his room and appeared between us. "Good night, Master," Obi-Wan added, shooting me a quick glance as he started away.

"Sleep well, Obi-Wan," his Master wished him. I had bent over again to finish tucking in the blankets, but a hand came down and took my arm. "Wait."

I had to stand up again. "What?"

"Would you like to sleep with me in my room tonight?"

Obi-Wan came to an abrupt halt and whirled around, surprised. I couldn't help but also stand there, stunned, my mouth hanging open. Qui-Gon explained himself. "I know you're still upset about what happened today. You might find it more comforting to stay with me - not to mention, that cot can't be very welcome to sleep on."

Nervous, I swept an errant lock of my long hair away behind my ear. Glancing at Obi-Wan, I wasn't sure how to interpret the look on his face, but that furrow was still carved between his brows. "Um...actually, that sounds really nice," I stammered. "You really want me to?"

"The choice is yours." Qui-Gon then glanced at his apprentice, and after a moment's hesitation, he turned and went back into his room.

I still had a corner of my blanket in my fist, but dropped it as I decided to take him up on his offer. First, though, there was Obi-Wan to face. I looked at him and murmured his name in ambiguous question. "Hmm?" he responded abstractedly. "Oh...it's all right. Go."

"You're sure?"

"Yes," he assured me. This time I didn't want to rely on his expression alone and bent my mind toward his. Though unsettled, I sensed in him no jealousy or hurt. Feeling my intrusion, he gave an uncertain smile. "He's right, you know. I only wish I had thought of it first."

"Another time, then," I murmured.

A spark of wonder turned his eyes blue. "Yes," he breathed. "Another time."

"I promise," I added. He turned to go, but I said good night one more time. All I got was a glimpse of those blue eyes over his shoulder, twinkling with a wistful smile.

As soon as I walked through the door to Qui-Gon's room, the door slid shut behind me like it was supposed to. The Master was turning down the bedspread, the plain blankets neat and undisturbed even after I had thrown myself on them earlier in the day. He smiled in my direction as I stood waiting, my arms wrapped around myself in nervousness. "Which side of the bed do you want?"

I was unaware that I was holding my breath until instinct forced my body to take another one. Startled, I shook my head. What in the world am I doing? I mean, I did it before, but... "Um, doesn't matter," I muttered. I was standing toward the left side, so I just moved in that direction by default. Qui-Gon unfastened the collar of his undertunic and pulled it over his head, draping it neatly over the back of a chair before sitting on the edge of the bed. I shyly followed suit, unsure why seeing him undress bothered me now when it wasn't the first time I had seen him so. Though, things were different. I was the one in need of comfort now, and the invitation was the most open yet. We were not sneaking around behind Obi-Wan's back, he knew. We were not in a community bed with others to chaperone, we were alone. So, seeing the Master's bare torso, his trim muscles, his hair falling loose over his shoulders as he pulled out the tie that kept his vision unobscured, affected me more than it ever had. I was amazed, delighted, but also unsure. I lay down before he did, and curled myself into a ball, figuring I should just be happy with what little prizes life threw my way. After all, I had not expected to ever be able to do this again.

There was a moment of chaos while Qui-Gon settled himself down to rest, followed by silence, and then his velvet murmur. "You can come closer if you wish."

I rolled over to look at him, and found him lying on his back a lot closer to me than I thought he was, almost as if he did this every night. He wasn't even looking toward me, but had his head nestled in the pillow and eyes closed. All I could do was flop myself over and lay on my side facing him, keeping a safe space between us, though I curled an arm under my head and propped my head up to watch him. He was so beautiful to behold, the noble angles of his brow, nose, and cheeks seemingly made just for eyes like mine to wander over in admiration. After a second or two his eyes opened, and he looked at me. Huffing a short sigh, he lifted himself up on one elbow and gestured with his left hand. "Come here."

Sheepishly averting my eyes, I inched closer to Qui-Gon in obedience. When I was close enough, the hand that bid my approach curled around behind my arm, then my back, and pulled me up against his right side. The gentle guidance was not a demand but rather assistance to help my body comply with what I wanted deeply but was too afraid to take for myself. Once he broke the spell of fear, I fell into his side with a whimper, wrapping one arm over his chest and pillowing my head on his shoulder. He chuckled good-naturedly, crooking his right arm so it would not be in the way and resting his left arm against the one that I had fastened around him. A wave of his hand, and the light snapped off. "Must be nice," I grumbled into his shoulder.

"It has its advantages." The room was completely dark, save for a glow along the bottom of the door for safety. All I had was touch and sound to guide me, but there was no need for sight now. Qui-Gon's body was everything I remembered and more: warm, solid, secure. Huge, tender. Real. Rather than fear the closeness, I snuggled as close as I could to him and squeezed him briefly, needing the comfort he was offering. His left hand cradled my arm and caressed it gently, sliding all the way into my sleeve to my shoulder. "There, now," the Master murmured into the darkness. "Is this better?"

I pressed my face into his shoulder. "I'm sorry...about today. I couldn't help it."

"Hush. There is no need to speak of it. You did nothing wrong."

"I...yelled at Mace Windu!" I reminded him, picking up my head. "I ran out on the Council like a bratty kid. I know I should apologize to them...and I will. Someday."

"Everyone makes mistakes, Stacey. I'm sure they will understand, just as I do," Qui-Gon's voice warmly intoned. "You were just being...human."

I let my head fall back onto his shoulder. So warm, so rich. "Even though you taught me how to keep things like that from happening."

"I am not disappointed in you."

"Really?" My voice was small, but hopeful.

The darkness hid his smile, but I heard it when he spoke. "No. Control, like Obi-Wan said, is something that takes time to master. This was your first chance to really test it. And before you say you failed," he quickly added, "listen to me. I did not expect you to maintain control in that situation today. I barely did, myself. But I sensed you attempting to, at the start, and I am proud of you for doing that much. You identified the potential for your emotions to be provoked. That's a very good start.

"Now," he said concludingly, "there is no need to bring it up anymore. Let it go."

"Okay," I whispered. Qui-Gon's hand resumed its long, slow trips up and down the length of my arm, and despite the lingering concerns in my mind, I found myself drifting toward sleep. My eyes hurt, it felt good to lay in the dark with them closed and just feel what was going on around me. I could gauge just how broad the Master's chest was by how far I could get my arm around him, which wasn't very far. Instead, I let my hand lay comfortably over his heart, feeling its steady beat, too tired to keep trying to hug myself into him. It was enough to relax beside him and let him hold me, which he seemed more than willing to do. He shifted a little, settling down further and letting me slide even more on top of him, until we found a position in which I was too happy to remain until morning. My leg naturally slipped over his and comfortably entwined with it, though I was careful not to let it rest too high up his thigh. A little smile awoke on my face as I realized what I was doing, or trying not to do, and I sighed contentedly. This was exactly the catharsis I needed. Sleep came quickly after that.

I awoke refreshed and content, in almost the same position that I had been in when I fell asleep, though Qui-Gon was turned a little more towards me and his right arm had become curled around my head, holding it against his shoulder. It was he who woke me, just by moving, though I lifted my face towards his and met his eyes. He could have been awake for hours, for all I knew. I took a moment to orient myself as I moistened my lips, annoyed that my throat was dry. My eyes still felt puffy, too, but only enough to bother me, not enough for someone to notice. Master Qui-Gon gently folded my arm back from his chest and slid his arm from beneath my head, moving to get up. I pushed myself up to follow, but he held up a hand cautioningly. "Go back to sleep," he whispered. "You could use it."

I groaned an agreement and dropped back into the pillows, pulling the blankets around my shoulders and rolling over. He probably has to go to the bathroom anyway, I told myself, and stifled my irreverent giggle in the pillow before taking a breath and embracing sleep once again. I stayed in bed for an insanely long time, at least compared to the Master's customary early rising, because I had no idea what time it was or if I was supposed to be doing anything today. There was one thing I knew I had to do, but it was painful to even think about, and could bring about more pain in all three of us, so I put off doing it until much later. Until the time was right. At some point I decided to stay there until someone came to get me or until my stomach was in pain from hunger, whichever came first, and thankfully it was the former. I was only dozing, but felt something tickling me and shook myself awake. What I expected to find as the source, though, was nowhere to be seen. No one else was in the room, but as I turned my head, I saw Obi-Wan standing in the half-opened doorway, just his head and one hand peering around the edge. His eyes widened slightly as I caught him. "What?" I growled.

"I just wanted to see if you were awake," he replied.

"You woke me up. I know you did." I sat up and rubbed my eyes with one hand, then swept my hair back out of my face. "What was it? The Force?"

"An old technique I used to use when I was a child to see if my Master was awake," the Padawan confessed with an impish grin. I glared at him, but not in anger. He shrugged. "It works, does it not?"

"Fine. I'm up. Give me a sec, I'll be out in a bit." He bobbed his head and disappeared, though he left the door in its half-open state to admit daylight to the room. I sat there for a while, just noticing where I was and imprinting the scene on my memory, before tossing aside the blankets and stumbling across the room. Both Jedi were not only up but dressed, and working on something. I decided not to interrupt, but went for the refresher and then for food.

The mundane details of life kept me so occupied that day that I barely had time to let disruptive thoughts dwell on my mind. There were clothes to be collected for the laundry, straightening up and cleaning to be done in quarters, and simple things to learn - like how to shop when you were a Jedi. Between Master Qui-Gon and Master Adi, I had been given just enough clothing, but I had not yet gotten used to requistioning. If there was anything a Jedi needed that could be gotten within the walls of the Jedi Temple, an order was made to the requisition office, who either filled it or took it to the office who could fill it. Fresh sheets for the cot, household supplies, clothes, even food. Qui-Gon showed me how to transmit an order to requisition by calling in for fresh towels, which arrived a couple hours later that day. It was a little like room service at a hotel, except we weren't paying for the service, it was part of room and board in the Temple. Everything was meticulously recorded and filed, though. After my little lesson, I made myself useful by remaking the beds and straightening up my possessions. A little housework was the least I could do to repay the kindness of my two Jedi friends, and it afforded me time to let my mind wander, to try and come up with some way of broaching the subject that I desperately needed to talk to them about. I had to muster my courage and do it before the Council came calling again, looking for me, but I didn't know when the opportunity would arise. In the meantime, in my silent moments of distracted thought, I composed my words into coherent sentences and left them to wait.

Evening came slowly, or so it felt as I stayed in quarters while Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan made use of a practice hall to spar. I would have loved to watch, but I wasn't feeling like it. I just wanted to stay in solitude for a while, not wanting to go out past that door in the off chance I would run into Adi or Mace or any other Jedi who had questions for me. I passed the time by availing myself of the computer technology, now that I knew how to use it, pulling up short news articles in order to practice reading. The angular symbols that passed for lettering were still hard to get used to, but at least I knew them now and could read small passages of text without relying too often on my cheat-sheet, the back page of my journal pad. There was something in the news about the recently re-elected senator from Rodia making a deal with the planet's new leader, which I read with a groan. All that trouble to protect him from assassination, and the coward just went crawling back home and cut a deal that would keep him in the good graces of the one who had violently taken control of Rodia. Obi-Wan was right, politics are universal. Shortly after, they came home, and the Padawan came and sat down across from me with a glass of water. He was only mildly out of breath, and a little sweaty, but glowing with triumph. "You won, didn't you?" I asked, peering at him.

"Two out of three," he confirmed, trying to look modest but failing. "Master Qui-Gon was trying to teach me a very old but seldom-used defense to a classic attack." He looked up with a wry grin as Qui-Gon passed the table on his way to his room. "Now I know why it isn't used much."

"That lesson will be saved for another day," his Master muttered as he disappeared.

Obi-Wan snickered deep in his throat, but made no comment. I pushed the communicator's console away in disinterest and turned to him with a tired sigh. "And that's about it, isn't it?"

The Padawan looked around a bit, unsure whether my question required an answer. "Did you find anything interesting?" he finally asked, nodding towards the communicator.

"Um, no, not really. I was just...getting a feel for the way things are around here. Maybe...trying to figure out which planets are nice and quiet, might be nice places to live."

Obi-Wan's face fell. "Are you still worried about that? No one's going to send you away..." He reached over and set his hand on mine. "Please, you have to fight to stay. We want you to, Master's going to stand up for you." He tilted his head toward the bedroom, indicating the man inside it.

"I know that," I assured him. "I've been thinking and thinking of what I can tell the Council that will make them see my point of view. I haven't come up with anything except...what Qui-Gon told Adi on the ship. How the Force brought me to you guys for a reason. But...they might say that there was a good reason it did that in the first place, that being keeping me alive, but the reason I'm here might have absolutely nothing to do with you two. No one really knows."

A frown furrowed Obi-Wan's brow, and he lowered his eyes for a moment. "Perhaps," he mused, "that in and of itself is a reason not to turn you away. No one knows what you've come to do, so we should keep you here until...we have some better idea."

"Oh, that's silly," I snorted. "I don't even buy that. I would be hiding from whatever purpose the Force has for me, staying in here."

"Do you remember what I said the morning of the election on Rodia?"

I jumped, and Obi-Wan glanced up. Qui-Gon had returned to the sitting room without a sound, gliding cat-like up behind me and suddenly intruding on our conversation. "What?" I prompted, not sure if I could remember.

The Master wrapped his arms around his middle. "That morning, I had resolved to leave you where it was safe, but the Force impressed a completely different course of action upon me. 'Take her,' it said. And you ended up saving my life, delaying the assassin and getting me to safety. After that," he added, "it was clear to me that having you near me was not for your sake alone."

I smiled up at him, touched. "Yeah, but I've been as much trouble as I've been help. Much as I'd like to hope, I don't think being your guardian angel is what the Force had in mind when it brought me here. You guys can take care of yourselves, you're better trained and you have lightsabers, I don't."

"You're still searching for a reason." Qui-Gon gazed down at me with warmth in his gray eyes. "Do you want to talk about this, now?"

I sighed. "We have to. There's no sense putting it off, the Council will need an answer."

The Master eased into the chair at the head of the table, placing himself between me and Obi-Wan. "You do realize that part of this conflict has arisen because the Council is still not aware that you know what will happen in the future."

I hadn't realized that, actually. "Yeah, but if I tell them I do...?"

"I don't think you should do that."

"It would help them understand her quest for a purpose," Obi-Wan offered. "Assuming, that is, that the two are bound up together."

"Well, it has to be," I tried to argue. "Otherwise, why would the Force need a person from another place and time to come here? You don't need anything else I have to offer, the only possible reason for me to be here is...probably something to do with the future."

"I think you may be right," Qui-Gon said patiently. "However, I still feel it would be a problem if anyone on the Council knew that. They have no reason to allow you to keep it to yourself, as I do. Master Saesee would probably be called on to mind-walk with you, and they would know everything."

"No," I snapped immediately. "That can't happen."

"Either way, the solution would be to allow you to remain with me," Qui-Gon proposed, "since only Obi-Wan and I can sense you through our bond, and anything you may be called on to reveal or perform as a result of your knowledge, we can help you with."

I shook my head wearily. "But the stuff I know doesn't take place for a few years yet. The Force brought me pretty early to have any effect on the story I know." I thought about it for a moment, having already wrestled with the temporal conflict and now finding new options coming to mind. "Maybe some of what I've done, being out with you on Rodia and Salji, the Force needed me to do. And the fact that I'm still here yet means either I'm supposed to stay indefinitely, or I haven't completely fulfilled my purpose yet."

Qui-Gon frowned pensively. "Well, if you are to remain here indefinitely, then it is your choice, I think, what sort of life you will lead. But if your purpose is dependent on any number of factors...then we should allow you to go where the Force wills, until you have fulfilled it. Even Master Yoda agrees that the Force brought you here, so to it alone should you be required to answer."

"But I won't be able to do that if I get kicked out of here," I grumbled, "or even forbidden to go with you on missions. If I get stuck here, how am I supposed to follow the Force if it needs me out there where you are - or, heaven forbid, somewhere else in the galaxy entirely?"

"That is a valid question," the Master nodded, "and one the Council will be able to understand even without the dimension of the future to consider. Though I have reservations about it, I would still allow you to come along on a mission if there is something the Force needs you to accomplish. I cannot ignore that."

I gazed anxiously at him. "Is that even possible?"

"Possible, yes. But, I must first consider whether it is right." He grew suddenly grave. "For you...and for us."

"Meaning?"

"You know that I care for you, and enjoy your presence."

"Yes..." I nodded for him to continue.

"What is of concern to me is whether or not we will be able to function as Jedi knowing that you are in our presence. Obi-Wan has been raised at the Temple, he knows not to let personal feelings get in the way of duty." An affectionate glance passed between Master and apprentice, but some part of my mind noted that Qui-Gon did not say the same about himself. "If my life were in danger, Obi-Wan would do all he could to protect me, but not at the expense of his duty as a Jedi."

Obi-Wan's faint amusement turned into annoyance at these words. "Master, it is also your duty to not get yourself in a situation where your life is threatened, not if you can avoid it," he chastised.

My heart froze at the images this conversation was evoking in my mind. "I see your point," I said hurriedly. I did not trust my control enough just yet to go through this right now. "You're worried that in your concern for me, you will be forced to choose between me and duty; and you're not sure which you will choose?" It was phrased as a question, but it was not meant as one.

This was the first that our feelings for one another had come up in the discussion, or among us at all, for some time. Qui-Gon glanced down at his hands on the table, and then over to Obi-Wan, before composing a reply. "I would never be so cruel as to classify you as a 'distraction' to my duty, but it does concern me that...yes, the possibility exists that I may have to make that painful choice. Or Obi-Wan, or you, would."

I gazed lovingly at one face, then the other. I could sense their minds wrapping around this uncomfortable emotion and envisioning scenarios where this might happen. It was almost worse than envisioning one of the Jedi needing to carry on without the other. "I am honored that you care this much about me..." My voice was hoarse as I said this, reaching a hand out to each of them. "Very honored...and touched. But Qui-Gon Jinn..." I stared into startlingly blue-gray eyes. "...and Obi-Wan Kenobi..." I shifted my gaze to a pair of sea-green eyes, "...search your hearts. I've known you both longer than you have known me. I had read about you, seen you, thought about you, before we even met. You would not let anything come between yourselves and your duty - not me, not each other - no matter how much you think you would, or wanted to." I paused, recalling the words I had ordered in my head earlier in the day. This was the time to say them, the time I had been waiting for. "But I also know that I care too much about you both to knowingly put you in a situation where there is a possibility you will doubt yourselves as Jedi, whether or not that doubt is warranted."

They both lowered their eyes, perhaps both studying my hands clasping theirs. At last, Qui-Gon looked at me again, his eyes soft and sad. He reminded me in that moment of the Skywalker table and the discussion of whether it was right to let Anakin determine the fate of a ship and a planet - the look on his face was the same. "I would not want to test my devotion to duty in that way," he muttered.

The offer had to be made, even though it stung my heart to say it. "I admit, I'm selfish in this regard. I want to always be at your sides. But...if you wish it, I will come to you only if we each desire it."

Qui-Gon shook his head. "Desires are irrelevant. What matters is the Force."

"Of course," Obi-Wan agreed. "We ought to focus on that. If it is the will of the Force that you be with us, nothing else matters."

I caressed their hands gently. "But there are other things to consider. I trust you implicitly...both of you...even with my life." And my heart. "Were I one of the millions whose life you were asked to protect..." I shrugged. "Perhaps I would feel differently and I wouldn't make this argument. As you say, I might question your duty as a Jedi if I knew there was someone else tagging along."

Qui-Gon's face twitched with a flash of discomfort. "I had not considered that."

"But, listen to me. There are other things to consider," I repeated, with emphasis this time. "Desires are not irrelevant, not if they are real. Unless either of you are planning to stop feeling the way you do for me, then you have to consider those feelings as part of the whole." They bowed their heads again. No, neither of them was going to change the way they feel. I grasped more tightly onto each hand I held in my palms. "But one more question needs to be considered as well: can this trust and care not also be seen as a strength, not a weakness?" I glared at them stubbornly. "You're both Jedi. I would die before I let either one of you forsake duty for me. Yet you must realize, you are also men." I thought I saw a flash of recognition in Qui-Gon's eyes at those words. "To forget this is to leave yourselves open to a weakness that can be exploited."

"Even if you're not there," Obi-Wan breathed. I looked across the table at him and nodded.

"I think I understand," Master Qui-Gon murmured. "Our feelings for each other are not necessarily a weakness or a distraction, unless we allow them to be. They could be an asset."

"They'll help us make the right decisions," I shrugged. "I guess it doesn't matter whether I'm physically with you or not, what matters is, knowing when to let the feelings come to the fore and when to set them aside to do your duty. Like on Salji," I added.

"Likewise, you must learn the difference between your will and the Force's will," the Master pointed out, giving my hand a squeeze. "Your feelings for us may be your greatest asset, in order to help you carry out whatever you are here to do, but then, there may be times when you also have to choose between feelings and duty."

I could think of one possible example, but quickly banished it behind a wall of the Force. Those control exercises were coming in handy right about now. "Yes, I know." I caressed each hand held in mine once more. "I just needed to tell you, that if I don't get to ever go with you on another mission, as long as I'm not made to leave you two, I'll be fine." I quickly swallowed the lump that rose in my throat. "It'll take some getting used to, but I'd rather be here waiting for you than shuttled away to another planet and never see you again, ever. But, at the same time, I will fight for every chance to be with you no matter where you go, in case the Force needs me to do something."

Both Jedi nodded slowly in acceptance. Obi-Wan gathered my left hand between both of his and raised it to his lips. Qui-Gon gazed at me for a moment, and then at his Padawan. "I'm very glad you came to this decision," he began. "It will make it easier to propose a solution to the Council that we all can live with." He paused, his eyes shifting to Obi-Wan again. "Stacey, would you excuse us for a moment? I would like to speak with Obi-Wan about this."

I nodded and rose, slowly drawing my hands out of theirs. "I won't intrude. Can I go in your room, Master?"

"Yes, you may."

I padded quietly into Qui-Gon's room and sat down on the edge of his bed, savoring a deep breath before lying back and staring at the ceiling. The door did not automatically close behind me, though, so after a moment I realized I could hear the two Jedi talking. I thought about getting up to rectify the mistake, but what they were saying was not something that I should not have overheard. The Master was speaking at the moment. "It is an unusual situation, yes. I am concerned that if we're not careful, someone will get hurt."

"Anything of value always carries the risk of hurt," Obi-Wan countered. "And if there is anyone I know who is not afraid to take risks, it's you, Master."

Qui-Gon chuckled. "You always chastise me for taking risks."

"Not always. Not when I know you're right."

Silence fell between them. Eventually, the Master continued, "It has been a long time since I felt this way about anyone, Obi-Wan. I have never even considered sharing my life - much less my quarters - with anyone but an apprentice."

"You'll not have an apprentice forever." Obi-Wan's voice hushed dramatically. "I know it will be a few years before I face my trials, but all this talk of the future reminds me of this. I am your third apprentice, Master...and probably your last."

Qui-Gon's voice became as quiet as his Padawan's. "The thought has crossed my mind."

"Perhaps it can work. We won't know unless we try, though. Risks and all."

"Why, you're starting to sound like me, my young apprentice," Qui-Gon said, amused. After a moment, he spoke more soberly. "Are you willing to take the risk?"

"I will deal with whatever happens, pain or pleasure," Obi-Wan replied, his voice steady and assured. "The rewards of this arrangement far outweigh the risks. And, we have to let it unfold naturally. That will take time."

The Master sighed in relief. I heard nothing else for a moment. "Then, I will do my best to keep her here with us," he resolved. "I'm sure something can be worked out, without resorting to sending her away to live elsewhere." That seemed to be the end of the discussion, as neither of them said any more. I still lay on Qui-Gon's bed on my back, wondering how in the world I was going to make it from day to day without these two Jedi. They had evolved greatly from the characters I used to admire from a distance, and I felt that now, after two months in their presence, it would be harder to live without them than if I had only been with them for a couple days or weeks at most. But the two most important reasons for staying with them - the future and our feelings - could not be shared with the ones who would make the decision. I sighed hard and covered my face with my hands. Story of my life...fortunate and damned at the same time.

On to part 34

Back to index