In A Strange Land, part 32
I was half expecting someone from the Council of First Knowledge - an entirely strange Council to me, I knew I had never heard of them before - would call on us either right away that night or the next morning sometime, but no one did. Obi-Wan finally found a chance to cart his old books and pads away, and he and his Master sat for a long time in deep, esoteric discussion about matters of the Force that Obi-Wan still did not grasp to Qui-Gon's satisfaction. Rather than sit in like a sidekick and eavesdrop on the important talk between Master and Padawan, I asked Qui-Gon if I could use his room. He consented, so I went in and sprawled on his neatly-made bed, intending to draw or write but doing neither. I lay my head down and breathed in the earthy scent clinging to the blankets; it had been many long days since the last time I got to snuggle up next to that scent in person. Remembering the cold Saljan night and the warmth of the bodies beside me, I sighed wistfully and wished for the umpteenth time that something would happen like that again. The Jedi had been very careful not to let their feelings get in the way of their duty on Salji, and not in front of Adi Gallia, but now that we were home...well, Obi-Wan had been kind to me. I smiled to myself and idly rubbed a finger on the open page of my journal. Obi-Wan was being very sweet, and very attentive. The softness of his fingers grasping at mine in the Council spire...the smile in his eyes and the blush on his cheeks when he found the flowers...I squeezed my eyes shut and tried not to squeal out loud. Instead, I settled down and paged through my journal, finding the wandering thread of emotions that meandered through the record of my journey like roller-coaster track, first up and then down, always circling back around to where I started: What am I doing here? I wasn't in a worrisome mood, though, so I let it pass and concentrated on the pleasant memories, the laughter and friendship, instead.
I must have dozed off, because some time later I realized the subdued conversation in the next room must have come to an end - the even tones of Jedi voices had ceased. Rubbing my face to try to wake myself up, I slid off the bed and wandered into the sitting room to find Master Qui-Gon alone, seated in a chair facing the small window, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped before his face. He was deep in thought, but I could see a slight twitch of eyebrow and shift of one gray eye as I came in the room. I paused and leaned on the wall. "Where's Obi-Wan?"
Qui-Gon sat up and dropped his hands into his lap, glancing my way with a slight smile. "Oh, off somewhere thinking. As happens every time we have a discussion as weighty as this one, I encourage him to spend some time alone with it, reflecting on what he has learned." The smile became stronger as he watched me cross to him and sit down in a chair facing him. "I would imagine he is either walking through the lower levels of the Temple, or retreating to some quiet meditation chamber."
"You guys always do that?" I wondered. "I mean...so far in the time I've been with you, the training has been just on-the-job type stuff. Learning by experience."
"Not everything a Jedi apprentice needs to know is based on experience," Qui-Gon said. "Yes, it is a tradition between the two of us, I have been doing it since he was twelve years old. At first I had to do it to get him to settle down, because the lessons I taught wouldn't sink in until he had gone and spent time on his own, thinking. Years later, I still find it a useful means of learning."
I smiled admiringly. "That's really cool."
He chuckled a little, but said nothing more, returning his attention to the small square transparisteel panel that gave us light and a view of the world outside. I sat for a time in thought myself, wondering where in all the Temple Obi-Wan could be, but not wishing to bother him by trying to use the Force to locate him. I wasn't sure if it would work anyway, as I was still trying to understand which abilities in the Force were real and which were the product of fan-writers' imaginations. It had been a long time since I had talked to my Jedi companions about that - I could still remember snatches of the conversation, it was on the ship leaving Chad. Maybe now's a good time to ask him about that, I surmised as I turned my gaze back on Qui-Gon. He was sitting back in the chair, relaxed, a blank expression on his face as he watched the ragged lines of ships passing back and forth beyond the Temple's airspace. I studied him for a moment, and then wondered, "What are you thinking about?"
For a moment he didn't move, but I saw the warmth of his smile return like sunshine from behind a cloud as the corner of his mouth lifted and his eyes crinkled at the edges. "Have you already forgotten how to reach out with the Force and find out for yourself?"
"Well, no. I can sense what you're feeling, but not what you're actually thinking," I scolded. "You know that, you taught me that."
"Then, what am I feeling?"
I squinted as I scrutinized him. The connection between us was stronger than it used to be, I hardly had to exert effort to be able to sense the emotions he harbored. "Happiness...? no, it's not so bright as that. Contentment." He turned his head toward me, his face placid but his eyes gleaming. I tried a little harder. "There's some other stuff in there, but I can't really tell what, it's really hard. But overall, the prevailing feeling is, you're content." I hoped I was right, and was rewarded with a slow nod. "So...what are you so content about?"
Qui-Gon's eyes shifted away. "I was thinking about how pleasant it is to be sitting here with you." I felt my face get hot in reaction. He continued, though. "There is nothing for us to worry about, no threat hanging over us, no conflict that begs resolution. We are simply sitting here, in the moment, thinking not of the future but only here and now." He looked at me again. "And I am glad."
"Me too," I shyly murmured.
His steady eyes and calm voice were making the blush on my cheeks intensify, and I tried looking away. That only made him chuckle again. "You're blushing," he pointed out.
"Thank you, Master of the Obvious," I retorted. Saying that made me laugh involuntarily, because that was what my friends and I used to call Ric Olié. "I'm sorry! It's just...being around you still has the capacity to make me weak in the knees."
"That's good to know," Master Qui-Gon said softly, a smile in his voice. "At least that means you haven't tired of me yet."
"No chance of that ever happening," I assured. "It's good to just sit here with you."
A weighted pause fell between us before the Master spoke again. "There is more you wish to do than just sit."
I looked sharply up at him. Some old fantasies had been playing about my mind, but I wasn't consciously thinking about any of them. "What?"
"I recognized that momentary flash of desire. It was quite similar to the ones I used to sense from you when you were trying to keep your feelings from me." He gave me one of his patented inscrutable looks, the one that made me think he was trying to investigate something within me. "What is it?"
"Nothing," I tried to explain, because I didn't really know what in particular he was picking up on. "You already know, pretty much, how I feel about you."
"Ah, but this is not the same." He eased forward in his seat, turning enough so that he could face me. "Do you not wish to share your thoughts with me?"
His question flustered me. I sputtered, "It's not that..."
"What, then?"
I closed my eyes and sighed heavily, deliberately sounding frustrated, for I was. "You don't want to know this," I cajoled.
"Yes, I do," the Master implored, his voice even and sincere, but with that commanding note he never seemed to lack. "Even though you know I care for you, you have put yourself under great restraint. I feel the tension in you right now, as if you're holding yourself back from leaping to your feet. Why is that?"
I felt my face burning even more as I looked up at the keen light in his eyes. "The things I want to do are...silly. I don't want to bother you, or make you uncomfortable."
"Like what? What do you wish to do?" I did not answer, so he sat forward a little and smiled. "Then think of it, in depth and in detail, and open your mind. Perhaps I can sense it, if I try."
I glanced up at him again, at the caring look on his face, and felt the patience and reassurance flowing from him. "You can do that?"
He nodded in response. I sat there for a moment, puzzling, and decided to give it a try, since he already caught me thinking about him and to resist would only bring more pressing questions. I began to picture one of many scenarios that had run through my imagination long before I ever met him, concentrating on the wish itself rather than what I felt in reaction. The Force tingled all around me, and Qui-Gon's eyes narrowed as he concentrated his effort on understanding my feelings. At length, the smile returned, and he murmured, "You may do that. Please, if you will."
Embarrassed, I sat where I was and covered my face with my hands. Then, I heard a rustle of fabric, and looked up to see him slide off his seat and kneel down in front of my chair. I started. "What are you doing?"
"Giving you the chance you long for." Qui-Gon gazed up at me from where he knelt - though he was almost eye to eye with me - and his face was serious. "Because, in some small way, it echoes a desire of my own."
Stunned, I sat there immobile for a few moments, while the Jedi Master continued to hold my gaze, his arms at his sides. Then, hesitantly, I lifted one hand from my lap and reached out to him. My fingertips brushed his cheek, and his eyes closed. Taking a deep breath to steel my courage, I gingerly traced the contours of his cheek, his nose, the lines around his mouth, my heart thudding in my chest at the quick intake of his breath. His skin was soft, but not entirely smooth, rather careworn with a delicate texture. I cupped my hands around his face, with the wiry brush of his beard in my palms and my thumbs lightly caressing around his mouth. My courage failed as he chose that moment to open his eyes and gaze up at me, smiling very slightly. I froze where I was, paralyzed. But Qui-Gon's eyes held mine trapped, as though under a spell, and pushed aside the paralyzing fear. I resumed caressing his face with long strokes of my fingertips, tracing along his beard all the way up to his ears, wanting to touch every inch of his rugged face. Qui-Gon held nearly still, only closing his eyes again and leaning into my touch, a deep, contented sigh escaping him. The fact that he submitted, and even seemed to enjoy it, made me more bold in my exploration. I traced the lines in his stern brow with a thumb, then around his eye, over the bump on the bridge of his nose where it had been broken in some forgotten age, and down along his cheek to his mouth. My fingertip grazed his lips, gently tracing the lower one, feeling a quick exhalation of surprise. He controlled himself immediately, though, and looked up at me with wonder gleaming in his slate-gray eyes. "There, now," he murmured in that shade of voice that made me melt. "That wasn't so hard, was it?"
"Master..." whispered weakly off my lips. If there was ever a time to describe myself as a puddle of goo, it was right now. I let my hands fall back into my lap, almost afraid of what might happen next. Before I could lean back in the chair, though, his right hand lifted from where it draped at his side and reached for me. The very tips of his fingers touched the side of my face, and I closed my eyes in mingled delight and fear. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what I wanted to do, so I sat there completely immobile, not looking, but aching to feel every brush of his hand to the fullest and remember every single second of this time.
Qui-Gon did as I had done and cupped my cheek in his hand, though his palm was so large it engulfed the whole side of my face. I felt it as warmth and gentle pressure, and then his fingers glided down along my neck and away. No sooner had I taken a single breath and the warmth returned, but in smaller patches as the tips of his long fingers slowly mapped the contours of my face. I heard the rustle of his robe as he leaned closer, using both hands, his thumbs sweeping back and forth along my cheeks and then over my lips. I couldn't help but gasp at that, at the feather-light pressure that tingled across my lips when one callused fingertip smoothed over the lower one. I dared not open my eyes, because that could lead to something I wasn't ready for yet, but Qui-Gon's touch alone was enough to melt me; it was all I had ever wanted, my every dream come true. I leaned forward a little, and he responded by laying both hands on my head as if in blessing, then cradling my head between those huge, rugged hands and leaning in to kiss my forehead. I slumped into his arms, then, and felt them wrap around me in a warm, comforting hug.
After a time, I managed to find the strength to peel myself out of the Jedi Master's arms and sit back, gazing warily at him as he still knelt there with a shade of a smile on his lips and one hand on my knee. "Are you still afraid?" he wondered.
"Well...I..." With him that close, I was so overwhelmed and flustered that I nearly wanted to push him away so I could get out of the chair. His right hand lay still on my knee, not even so much as twitching a finger, so I stared at it for a long time, studying the plains and ridges formed by bones and skin. I could remember the time I held that hand in mine while he lay asleep on a shuttle fleeing Rodia. "It's just..." I tried to confess, "this is so...so sudden."
"The expression is, perhaps, but the feelings are not." Qui-Gon dropped his voice to a whisper and withdrew his hand. "I don't mean to upset you."
"I'm not upset," I quickly burbled. "It's just...not at all what I expected!" Briefly, in the back of my head, I could hear my inner self telling me how silly I sounded, with the nervous laughter and high-pitched voice, but I couldn't make it stop. "I never thought for a second that I'd have a chance in the world at being this close to you, and even when you told me, it still didn't really sink in. But now...oh my gosh." I sank back in the chair and covered my face with my hands. I felt like such an idiot. "I don't believe I just did that."
"You did. Actually...we did." His hands returned, taking mine and pulling them away from my face. I finally looked straight at him, and saw the tender smile, the gracious Master who had just gifted me with the one thing I wanted more than anything. He held my hands gently in his, but gave them a little pull, encouraging me to get to my feet as he rose. I submitted, and after a moment standing awkwardly facing him but refusing to meet his eyes, he took me into his arms again and just held me against him. The comfortable texture of his robe, the solidity and sheer strength of his body, the steady rise and fall of his chest as he breathed...the reality of his presence seemed new to me, though I had been in this very position before. I realized, then, that I still saw Qui-Gon as being a level above me, unattainable and untouchable. Despite what we had been through, I had still placed him on a pedestal and disallowed myself a chance to know him as a friend and as a man. I gave in, then, and willingly sank into his embrace, trying within my mind to reconcile the costume I was looking at - the simple sand-colored tunics, the woolen robe, the lightsaber on the belt - with the man inside it. And I didn't know if loved him for the person he was, or for the fact he was a Jedi Master.
After a time, Qui-Gon broke the silence between us. "Why did you hold back?"
"I'm not the type to...overstep personal boundaries," I tried to explain. "I never make a move, I always wait until I know whether it's something the other person wants."
A warm chuckle spilled out of him. "Well, that's one more thing we have in common, then."
I smiled to myself, even though he couldn't see it since I still rested my head on his chest. "You didn't mind...what I did?"
"Mind it?" Qui-Gon repeated with incredulity. "My dear Stacey, I did say it echoed a similar desire of my own."
A thrill shivered down my back at that, and I felt the strange pain that tightened in my chest whenever something like this happened to me. But I wasn't going to pull away, not now. We stood together in this embrace for a long time just being content with the moment and everything in it. It was the Master who eventually broke the stillness and untangled my arms from his body. "Are you hungry?"
"Um..." I had to consciously think about it. "Yeah, a little."
He smirked as he stepped away. "If you would, please, find Obi-Wan and let him know it's time for dinner."
I made a face at his retreating back. "How am I supposed to do that, I don't know where he is?"
"Use your comlink." There was a pause, and he turned toward me again. "You haven't lost it, have you?"
"No," I retorted in mock annoyance. "The only thing I lost was the robe, I still have my comlink."
"Then call him."
I could have slapped myself for being so dumb, but just retrieved my comlink from Obi-Wan's bedroom. Only three codes were stored in it: Qui-Gon's, Obi-Wan's, and an emergency code that would contact any authority personnel within range of the signal. I selected the second one and was rewarded in an instant with the Padawan's voice. "Yes?"
"Hey, Obi. I'm supposed to tell you that it's dinnertime. Come on back."
"Oh, already? Of course, I'm on my way." The signal cut out, and I giggled to myself. You can call him anything you want, but don't call him late for dinner.
The interruption I had been dreading came soon after we had finished eating. Master Qui-Gon answered the door and ushered in two Jedi Masters, one of them the mysterious Master Sullah I had met a day before. I didn't catch the name of the other one, as I was sitting on my cot trying not to pay attention. There had been a time when I would have been curious about every visitor and hung over Qui-Gon's shoulder every time the door buzzed, but as of late, I had come to dread that door. As a result, I was startled when the two visiting Masters came straight over to me, the newcomer showing intense interest. "This is she," he observed, bending over to look at me more closely. He was old, I guessed, with gray whiskers and wrinkly skin, though I couldn't quite tell which humanoid species he belonged to. He stared at me as though I were an animal in a cage. "Remarkable! A well into which the Force disappears like light into darkness."
"Masters," Qui-Gon interrupted, "please, have a seat. I know there is much you wish to discuss with me."
"Yes, there is," Sullah agreed. The other Jedi reluctantly pulled himself away from me and went to sit down with them, though he glanced back at me once or twice. "I apologize for raising my voice to you yesterday," Sullah continued. "It was inappropriate of me. You had done nothing wrong."
Qui-Gon nodded once, his face blank in acceptance of the apology. True to form, he would not gloat. "You are still concerned, though."
"Somewhat."
I got to my feet and made a show of stretching, even though I wasn't tired or stiff at all, if you didn't count the lingering twinge of strain in my knee from exercising it the day before. "Um, Master? I think I'm going to take a walk or something." Qui-Gon glanced my way. "Is that all right?"
"Yes, that's fine. If you wish," he answered with a smile.
I glanced to my right, where Obi-Wan was standing in the doorway to his room. "Do you want to come with me?"
"Me? Oh...of course. That would be nice." He ducked back into his room for a second to retrieve his robe, and came back to follow me to the door. Qui-Gon shot a quick look our way, but was already engrossed in a conversation with the Masters from the Council of First Knowledge, and couldn't say anything. I didn't want to interrupt him, anyway, so we just slunk out the door in silence and started up the hall. Obi-Wan asked, "Do you have any place in mind you wish to go, or are we just wandering aimlessly?"
"A little aimless wandering can't hurt," I said, shrugging. "I want to see as much of this part of the Temple as I can, so I don't get lost. But if you think of anything cool you want me to see," I added with a smile up at him, "lead the way."
"No, aimless wandering is good." We passed down the hall in comfortable silence for a while, turning a few corners in the interest of exploring, walking at an unhurried pace. I had decided to wear my old jeans that day, so I could be comfy lounging around quarters, and was glad to have the pockets there to tuck my hands into while I walked. It was a relief to be out of the way of the Jedi Masters, especially with the one peering at me like I was a zoo exhibit. I didn't really care at that moment what they had to say to Qui-Gon, or what he would need to say to them, though I did hope that he wasn't going to get in trouble because of me. Despite the Master's reassurances, I knew things were coming to a head. Depa's comment about "coming to an arrangement" was frightening enough, because it made me imagine all sorts of scenarios, most of which involved being unceremoniously dumped on some planet somewhere that harbored human life and left there for eternity, or until the Empire was raised and came to blow it up. The thought hit me - I could still be here, an old lady, when Luke and Leia come of age and the young Skywalker begins his hero's journey with an aged Obi-Wan. I glanced at the young man beside me, with the sexy smile and the intense sea-colored eyes, and found it hard to believe where his life was going to take him. His eyes turned towards me, then, and he commented, "You're troubled about something."
"Of course I am," I muttered irritably. "You would be too if three Jedi Masters were sitting around discussing you like you're nothing more than an experiment."
"Master Qui-Gon doesn't think that way about you."
"Well, no, he doesn't." I chuckled sneakily as the memory of what happened between us earlier awakened in my mind, of the warm, soft skin beneath my fingertips and the rough texture of the Master's beard. "But...you know what I mean. I'm hardly a person around here, I'm a phenomenon. A curiosity. It's like, half the people here are interested only in what makes me so weird, they don't care that I'm a person with feelings and worries and stuff." I dug my hands deeper into my pockets in frustration. "It's almost worse than being back home and not being special at all, so that the whole world overlooks me."
"At least you have us," Obi-Wan softly reminded me. "We care." I felt the light pressure of his hand gliding across my shoulder blade, a whisper of a touch that was gone too quickly. "Would you rather be home, then? I imagine by now you must have grown to miss it terribly."
I thought about it for a short distance as we turned a corner and started down a long, broad hallway that served as a main thoroughfare on this level. Corridors came from all directions and emptied pedestrians into this well-trafficked hall. "I don't know," I finally answered Obi-Wan. "Every once in a while I'll get a little twinge of regret, when I think of not being able to tell my friends where I am and what's happening to me, but for the most part...no, I don't miss it."
"Not at all?"
"Well...no. It's hard to be partial about one world when here I've got thousands of them at my fingertips."
"I suppose, you've said there are places here which are similar enough to your world that you could be reminded of it," Obi-Wan speculated. "We would be glad to take you to them, if you ever felt a strong need to see a forest or a mountain or whatever it is you miss most about your planet."
I kept my eyes fixed on the floor in front of me as we walked. "No," I found myself muttering morosely, "you won't."
Obi-Wan was taken aback. "I'm sorry...?"
"They're not going to let me go with you. I just know it. There's no way the Council is going to let me keep tagging along on your missions." I shrugged stiffly. "Not that I would argue with that. I mean, it's just not right. I shouldn't be getting in your way."
Someone passed us by; Obi-Wan remained silent while they did, though I sensed him nod his head in acknowledgement or greeting to whoever it was. When he spoke again, he had the decency not to argue with me. "Is that what you're so afraid of? That you won't be able to be with us?"
"Yeah, well...sort of." I looked up as we rounded a corner and realized the Padawan had led me to a quiet space near to the heart of the Temple, where contemplative alcoves with benches lay hidden in solitude. We picked an alcove and sat down, and I found myself prepared to spill my heart to the attentive young apprentice. "Obi-Wan, you and Qui-Gon are the only people in this whole stinking huge galaxy I can call friends. I don't really know anyone, apart from a couple Jedi Council members who don't have time to befriend me and a few creatures far away on other planets. I don't have family here or anything, I'm a total orphan. It's not just that I want to be with you guys, it's that..." I paused to choose my words wisely. I didn't want to accuse anyone of anything, certainly if they were not there to defend themselves. "...I guess my deepest fear is that I'll not just be separated from you, but removed from you. That I'll be sent away from the Temple to go live a normal life somewhere and let you and Qui-Gon get back to your normal daily business of bringing peace and justice to the galaxy. And never see you again, ever."
"That's not going to happen," Obi-Wan said determinedly. "No one wants to leave you alone, least of all, myself and Master Qui-Gon. There's been no indication that anyone wants to do that to you, but if they do, you can believe we will fight for you. Master will not let anything happen to you." He heaved a short chuckle under his breath. "Like he always advises me, another solution will present itself."
His shoulder nudged mine, and I found it rather easy to rest my head against it. He sat beside me with his hands clutching the edge of the bench, but maneuvered so I would be comfortable. "It's all fine for you to say that now," I grumbled. "But you don't know what the Jedi Council will want to do with me. None of us know. Well, I bet Qui-Gon knows."
"He doesn't." I lifted my head and peered at Obi-Wan. "I'm serious," he said. "While it's true he hasn't told you much of what is said behind your back, as far as I know, nothing has been said about your future among us. Though," he added, his voice quieting, "I imagine that will change in the next few days."
"You guys are going to go back out on regular missions," I pointed out, dropping my head back onto his shoulder and sulking. "And I won't be going with you. I know that."
He said nothing, and we sat for a long time with nothing more to say. The topic was dropped, fortunately; I didn't know what else could be said to improve matters. Both of us knew that to deny my last statement would be a lie, even done for the sake of reassurance, so Obi-Wan wisely refrained from even trying. But his shoulder was comfortable, and his presence delightful even in the midst of my misery - especially in the midst of my misery! - so I did not push him away nor do anything to ruin this moment. I didn't know how many more moments like this one I was going to get.
After a while, Obi-Wan's hand slid over the top of mine, the movement of his arm getting me to lift my head off his shoulder. I looked at him, and saw from the alert tension in his face that he wanted me to get up and follow him. I silently consented, standing up, and my heart tensed excitedly as he continued to hold my hand, his fingers gently intruding between mine and latching on in a loose grip. I looked away from him as he started to lead me away, taking a couple of turns until we had disappeared into a quiet corridor devoid of all traffic. For some reason, I didn't feel like some teenager walking hand-in-hand with her cute boy; rather, a sense of weight, of maturity, settled on my shoulders as we passed slowly down the corridor, our heads bowed and eyes on the floor ahead of us. I heard a breath sigh out of my companion, and glanced briefly toward him. His face was calm, though I knew he was thinking about something. The desire to speak some words, any words, of comfort or hope came over me, but I had nothing to say, so I turned my gaze back to the long hall ahead of us. At the far end, I thought I saw the reflection of glass along the wall, but couldn't be sure. We had a ways to go to get there, and sure enough, Obi-Wan led me all the way to the end, still silent and unruffled. We were on another corner of this level of the Temple, where one could actually get a glimpse outward, and the sun was setting over Coruscant.
There was nothing particularly unique about the sunset, I had seen a million of them before and this one was no different. But it was a chance to look out, to see the sky, to press my hands against the transparisteel and get as close to the life outside as I could. I leaned on the window and watched the Coruscant star sink into the jagged-toothed jaw of the horizon formed by distant buildings, with Obi-Wan Kenobi standing behind me, glad that he was there but unsure what to do with him. My mind raced everywhere - from the intimate moment earlier with Master Qui-Gon to my fears of being taken away from the two of them, through the past, the future, and the presence of the Jedi apprentice at my back. Between what had happened with his Master and now, even as the heat of his hand cooled from my palm as it rested on the window, I found myself pushing aside the more global concerns and letting my thoughts wind around the relationships instead. I wondered what could possibly be running through Obi-Wan's head as he stood there and watched me watch the sun set. Glancing at him, I met his soulful eyes and smiled. "What?" he questioned.
"Nothing," I said with a shake of my head. "I'm sorry, I've got a lot on my mind."
"I noticed."
"I didn't mean to bring the mood down," I went on, turning back to the window and heaving a sigh. "I really appreciate what you and Qui-Gon have done for me, don't get me wrong. You guys don't treat me like everyone else does. You make me feel perfectly normal, you just treat me like a person."
"Why would we treat you like anything other than who you are?" Obi-Wan said softly, leaning forward so he could look at me, or at least so I could see him doing so. Both of us cracked a smile, then. "You're welcome."
"Thanks," I said belatedly. "I owe you two my life and everything. No matter what happens to me, I know that, and I will always be so thankful to you two. More than I have the words to express."
Obi-Wan had no reply to that, but took one step closer to me. I closed my eyes, touched at the protectiveness he readily displayed. I could have probably wandered anywhere in the Jedi Temple, anywhere on Coruscant, in that moment, and he would have been a step behind or beside me, not saying anything, but watching with those eyes, ready to aid me if I asked him to but not intruding closer than he dared. Such devotion. It occurred to me, then, that while I felt the tension of his waiting, I could sense nothing of what he wanted to do, or say, or think. He had wrapped his desires up and sunk them beneath the need to watch over me, to make sure I was all right in whatever way I needed to define "all right." But...he had to be feeling something. I still remembered that night several weeks ago, and the whispered confession in a dark hallway on Chad: I want to touch her, to feel what it's like to kiss her. I want to hold her like I saw you holding her. I kept my eyes closed for a bit and mentally gave him the reply he deserved to have gotten weeks ago. Hold me, Obi-Wan. Please hold me. Hold me.
After a still, breathless moment, I heard his robe rustle and his foot take a step. His body came to rest against mine, and his arms slid slowly around my shoulders even as I pushed back from the window. The breath I was holding rushed out of me in surprise, though it was exactly what I had asked for. Obi-Wan's cheek rested against my temple, but he made no further move than to wrap me up in his embrace and hold me to him, so I relaxed and let him, losing myself in his closeness. He sighed contentedly, I could feel his breath on the side of my face. For a very long time we stayed there, my body safely locked within the circle of his arms, while the window in front of us darkened with the hastening of night, and the sky turned from indigo to ink.
Predictably, Qui-Gon was sitting alone in the main room of our quarters when we got back, having lost all track of time and all need to keep track of it in the first place. I was still reeling from the happy thrill of Obi-Wan's affections, but was brought back to reality almost immediately. "How did it go?" I warily asked the Master.
He looked up with a fair expression. "Not as badly as you seem to think it did."
My shoulders relaxed in relief. "No?"
"Not at all. In fact, it was a very interesting discussion. The Masters were quite pleased to finally have some first-hand information about you and the way the Force behaves around you."
"That's good." I slumped onto my cot and kicked off my shoes, glad to be safe in quarters alone with my two Jedi. I didn't want any more interruptions, not unless it was an emergency. "Are they going to want to do anything with me?"
"I'm not sure." Qui-Gon got up and stepped closer to me, leaning casually against the back of a chair. "As far as I can tell, the Council of First Knowledge has all the information about you that they need - my reports, the High Council's reports, and what we talked about here tonight. Meeting you again will not add to their knowledge, what they intend to do now is discuss it among themselves."
"What? That people exist in other galaxies?"
"And they don't have midi-chlorians." Qui-Gon's gentle smile put me at ease after all the worrying I had done all night. "It is their responsibility to examine that in the light of Jedi history and lore, and reconcile it with what knowledge we have of the universe."
I couldn't help but grin as a thought crossed my mind. "So I get to be the catalyst to the biggest shake-up in the Jedi Order in centuries."
"I don't know about centuries," the Master cautioned, turning away, "but it is a fairly big event, yes."
"Heh. Cool."
"But, what Master Sullah said yesterday is correct." Master Qui-Gon turned back toward me, folding his arms over his chest. "It wasn't a problem when you told Colin on Salji, but from now on, information as to your origin will be kept among the Jedi alone. No one else is to know. The High Council plans to keep it even from the Senate and the Chancellor."
I perked up at that, but with a sense of foreboding. I could hear the serious note in the Master's voice. "Really? How come?"
Obi-Wan also looked to his Master, just as curious about the news as I was. Qui-Gon glanced at each of us in turn. "Despite the fact that your arrival is an event of the Force's doing, the government would be very interested to hear that a human civilization exists in another galaxy. You thought the Jedi Council's scrutiny was difficult to endure..." His voice trailed off, but he didn't need to say any more. I knew exactly what he was getting at and cringed. Qui-Gon then shook his head. "The plan is not to keep you locked inside the Jedi Temple away from questioning minds, however. You will be free to move about, I'm sure."
"Has someone talked to you about that, then?" I wondered.
Again, he shook his head. "No. Not yet. I am only speculating."
Defeated, I slumped against the wall. "It won't be long now."
The Jedi looked at each other, and I was afraid Obi-Wan was going to speak up about what we had talked about on our walk. But no, he remained silent, and only came over to me and ruffled a hand through my hair on his way to his bedroom. I lifted up a blushing smile toward him, which remained on my face as Qui-Gon stepped past me and also laid a hand on my head. Everyone was getting ready for bed, so I got up and followed the Padawan into his room so I could grab my nightshirt before he started changing. At least, enough had happened to me today to give me pleasant dreams. All my worries were shoved out of my head by the delightful memories of hands and bodies and beautiful smiles, as I lay in the dark literally swooning over how lucky I was. Lucky, but torn. What was I supposed to do? Two wonderful men, each with his own set of characteristics that attracted me to him, and only one of me. They had both taken advantage of a moment alone today to show me, finally, that the feelings we had argued about on Chad and buried on Salji were still alive. For now I just lay in bed enjoying the memories of both, and in the back of my mind I saved the worry of having to choose one over the other for another day.
*****
Qui-Gon came from his bedroom in two swift strides, putting his comlink away on his belt as he did. His head swiveled sharply in my direction, as I sat on the couch putting yesterday's events into my journal with as many delicious adjectives as I could think of. "Get your shoes," he ordered.
I looked up at him. "What?"
"We've been summoned. Come, they're expecting us."
"Master?" Obi-Wan questioned. He was sitting nearby, and started to get out of the chair.
Qui-Gon held out a hand toward him, palm open. "Not you, Obi-Wan."
The Padawan sank slowly back into his chair, giving me a perplexed look. I gave him the same look right back as I set aside my journal and went over to my cot, where my shoes were parked next to each other beneath it. "What is it? Who's expecting us?" I asked over my shoulder.
"It was Adi who called me, just now. The Jedi Council is on a recess from their session, and she wants to talk with us about something," the Master replied.
I slid my sneakers on and straightened out my tunic, smoothing it down. "Do you know what it is, or are you just not telling me?"
"Just that it's about you," he answered. I held his gaze for a moment, testing with the Force, but he wasn't lying. On edge, yes, but he was not concealing anything from me.
I walked along beside him all the way to the part of the Temple where the private quarters of all councilors lay, most of them fairly spacious since each councilor was expected to keep an office where they could meet with any and all Jedi at any time of day. I remembered seeing Mace's once, and Yoda's, but I had never seen Adi's. However, as we came around a corner and the Master led me to our destination, I noticed that it was the same office-chamber I had been to before. It may have been Adi who called, but we were going to see Mace Windu.
Four members of the Jedi High Council were either standing or seated in the room when we entered. I immediately sought control like the Master had taught me, taking a deep breath to relax and then snatching at the Force to block my rising trepidation. Qui-Gon had already centered himself on the way there, though I hadn't noticed the exact moment when he had gone from urgent to calm. Mace sat in a chair along the wall, aloof from the others. Adi Gallia and Depa Billaba stood next to each other, their backs to the paneled windows, while Eeth Koth sat in the only other chair I could see. "Thank you for coming on such short notice, Qui-Gon," Adi said by way of greeting. "Stacey..." She smiled at me. "How are you?"
"Um...pretty good," I answered, mustering a little smile.
"Is there a reason we were asked down here so...immediately?" Qui-Gon wondered, his eyes straying briefly to Mace Windu. Mace, however, sat off to the side, not looking like he was interested in the proceedings.
"The Council has been in session most of the day, and in heated debate over one matter," Adi replied, her voice even. "Master Depa informed us of what she observed the other day, and some members of the Council think it is time to put some sort of conclusion on the issue of your companion."
Qui-Gon glanced down at me. I felt his eyes, though I kept mine wandering all over the room while I struggled to remember the techniques for control. Now was as good a time as any to use them! "I'm not sure what you mean," Qui-Gon said. "What sorts of conclusions are you looking for? I'm afraid we don't have enough information to conclude how Stacey got to our galaxy or what purpose the Force had in bringing her here."
Depa Billaba took a breath before addressing him. "No, and for that very reason, we must consider what to do with her, now. We mustn't keep her any longer."
"Is there anything you have not told us about her, that might warrant detaining her within the Jedi Temple?" Eeth Koth broke in. Everyone looked at him, myself included. He seemed nice, but I had only run into him once or twice and didn't know him well. He looked straight at me, and for once, addressed me directly. "How do you feel about being here?"
I blinked at him. "I don't mind it," I said immediately, without thinking. "Well...I mean, it's nice, but right now I've got all this..." I waved a hand vaguely. "...deciding what to do with me hanging over my head, so it's hard to get comfortable. But, if you're asking do I want to be here, then the answer's yes. I like being here."
I looked back towards the female councilors, who shared a glance. "You do know that we have to... 'decide what to do with you' as you put it," Adi prodded.
"I know." I shrugged. "I'm a stranger here, I'm in your hands."
"It is the position of some of us that we have imposed our rule on you too long," Depa said kindly. "You should be free to make your own decisions about your life, to go where you want and live in freedom without anyone scrutinizing you."
I found myself nodding in agreement. She was right about that much. "Have you decided something, then?" Qui-Gon asked.
Adi looked at Depa with a hard glance, causing the latter to sigh and keep her mouth shut. "An attempt was made to do so this morning," Master Gallia answered, then, "but without your input. Master Windu and I thought we should meet with you first, and inform you of what has been proposed, before any sort of decision-making takes place."
"I appreciate that," Qui-Gon said.
"Me too," I added. "Thanks."
Adi's eyes settled on me again. "You may not like what you hear."
I frowned at her, starting to lose the threads of control that were already loose in my mental grasp. "Why, what did you come up with?"
"It was not I who made the proposal," she demurred, glancing at Depa again. "As a matter of fact, it was Master Even."
Even Piell? I had never even met the short Lannik Master with the huge scar. "What'd he say?"
"It was Master Even's opinion that investigations into who you are and why you are here among us have turned up nothing of concern," Master Eeth said diplomatically. "He proposed we close the matter."
As kind and objective as he was being, I wanted a straight answer. I knew I would only get it from Adi. "What does that mean?"
She folded her arms loosely in front of her and held my gaze. "It means you would be sent away from the Jedi Temple."
"To live your life any way you wanted," Depa added.
The news hit me in the chest and forced the air out of my lungs in a ragged gasp. Had I been able to breathe I might have found words to say, but all I did was stand there and stare, my mouth open. Beside me, Qui-Gon's arms fell to his sides with a swish of his robe. "Absolutely not. No."
"The decision is not yours, Qui-Gon," Mace suddenly spoke up. I glanced at him, and he nodded his bald head in my direction. "It is hers."
I shook my head rapidly, trying to wake myself up from this bad dream. After gaping like a fish for a few seconds, I was able to breathe and speak again. "Then, no! No way!"
Adi looked at Depa again, and I could see a hint of smugness in her narrowed eyes. Depa gazed questioningly at me. "Is that not what you want? To get out from under our scrutiny and lead a normal life?"
"Well, I want you to stop interrogating me, yeah, but I don't want to go!" I cried. Any semblance of control I had crumbled into nothingness. "What are you going to do, kick me out?"
"What is the reason for this?" Qui-Gon wondered, placing a hand on my shoulder to try to get me to calm down. Usually it would have worked, but not this time. I instinctively shrugged his hand away.
"Over the course of the past few weeks, we have done the only fair thing we could," Mace answered him, quietly clasping his hands before him. "We have spent a long time debating this matter, to the neglect of others, though it has been important to do so. We did our best to try and uncover what reasons she might have for being here, what sort of sensitivity you've managed to cultivate in her, and where she stands at the moment." He looked up at Qui-Gon from where he sat, an intelligent but piercing look in his sharp, dark eyes. "Your report helped us greatly. I no longer see her as a threat, but as an interesting individual with a unique relationship to the Force. However," he added, "it's not interesting enough to have to keep her here among us. It would be wrong of the Jedi to hang onto her like an animal on a leash."
Qui-Gon sighed defeatedly. "If I have done that, then I would expect Stacey to be angry with me." His head lifted, and his eyes found mine. I saw the smirk deep inside them. "And as far as I know she is not. Have I treated you unfairly?"
"No," I told him, shaking my head. "That's not the way I feel at all. I trust you, Qui-Gon."
Mace moved to get up, then, pushing himself to his feet and taking a step closer to where we clustered. "Master Qui-Gon has said in the past that you're not a child or a criminal that has to be looked after. I can see that - we all can." He was looking at me, but I didn't want to face him. My poorly-contained anger was starting to rise against him. "We have kept you long enough. Qui-Gon has a job to do, an apprentice to train, and that is best accomplished without any distractions. Most of the Council agrees that it's time to set you free."
I was staring at the floor, clenching my jaw until it hurt as if that would prevent any tears from clouding my eyes. But it was no use; my hands trembled, my breath was coming short and fast, and I couldn't see the floor through the watery haze. "You mean," I started to say, and my voice quavered, "it's time to kick me out of the Temple."
"That's not..." Mace began.
I cut him off with a shout that surprised even myself. "That is so what you mean! Don't lie to me! You've hated me ever since I first set foot in this place because I'm a threat to your precious Jedi stability, to the way things are supposed to be. All you want to do is separate me from Qui-Gon, that's all it is! I don't care what you say to justify it, you're trying to take me away from him! That's not setting me free to live my life, you're still trying to control me! But I won't let you!"
"Stacey..." someone said. It might have been Qui-Gon, it might have been Adi.
"I don't want to hear it! If you want me out of the Temple, you're going to have to come down with armed guards and drag me out, you hear?" The heat of my anger was approaching its flash point, and I started backing away from every Jedi in the room. I could only vaguely see Adi, a worried look on her silent face, and Qui-Gon, paralyzed by indecision, as the tears ran freely down my cheeks. "I don't want to hear this, I don't want to go!" I sobbed, giving up any attempt to try to be rational about this. If I bawled in front of them, so be it! "You'll have to drag me out!"
A hand reached for me, but I struck it away and barreled for the door. Behind me, I felt a stirring as if the wind was blowing, but it couldn't have been wind, and yet it didn't touch me. I slapped the pad by the door and threw myself out into the hallway, finding it free and clear in both directions. Without looking back I started to run, back down the way I had come with Qui-Gon, my stormy mind thrusting aside emotion just long enough to remember the path back down to quarters on a lower level. My steps were halting at first, as I heaved for breath between vicious sobs and tried to get my lethargic legs to move. Master Qui-Gon's voice sounded behind me, gruff and commanding. "Stacey!"
I ignored him. His presence inspired an instinctive rush of fear into my mind, which in turn lent strength to my feet. My stuttering jog broke into a run. "Stacey!" I heard him yell again, louder this time.
"No!" I yelled back, and the next thing I knew I was sprinting down the corridor. I flew past one startled Jedi, who leaped back into the intersecting hallway before I could knock him over, but met no one else on my way to the lift. Only when I had whacked the controls to summon the lift did I turn and look over my shoulder, afraid that I was going to find Qui-Gon right behind me, his hand reaching out to grab me. But no one was there. Still, I panicked, and the moment the lift doors slid open I lurched inside and pressed the button for the proper level. As the doors glided shut, I leaned against the far wall of the lift and broke down crying.