Obi-Wan and I had carefully planned this day in hopes that we could tour around the capital city together with Stacey, introducing her to the local culture and simply enjoying one another's company after such a long absence. I knew that she understood my duty, but I felt a keen disappointment at the reality which had unfolded instead. At the least, I had hoped to be home in time for dinner... and now here it was, long after midnight. At least she is here with us, now, I chided myself. We still have several weeks together on Daramin. I reached our temporary home, then, and turned to walk along the pathway through the garden.

The main door whirred open, and I felt an unexpected rush of optimism as I noticed light coming from the sitting room. Had they stayed awake to wait for me? Surely not... Stacey must be exhausted after her travels. CQ instantly appeared to identify me as I entered, its buzzing seeming absurdly loud in the quiet home. I chuckled as I recalled Stacey's uncertain reaction to the droid this afternoon, and CQ hurried away as quickly as it had come. I walked gingerly along the hallway, following the soft light as it spilled into the entranceway.

The crown of Obi-Wan's head was silhouetted above the back of the couch, and as I walked further into the room I expected to see him still hard at work. I turned to face him, opening my mouth to offer a word in greeting, but as my eyes fell upon him no sound would come forth from my lips. Instead, my heart clenched palpably; my footsteps halted, and the smile lingering at the corners of my mouth disappeared. Obi-Wan was sound asleep on the couch, one arm dangling limp off its edge, his body stretched along its length... and Stacey was lying beside him. My throat grew suddenly dry, then begrudgingly contracted into a hard swallow. I blinked, hoping to somehow see a scene utterly different than the one before me. As I opened my eyes again, however, it became clear that this was no illusion. I forced myself to regain composure and walked carefully over to them.

I inhaled sharply, and a painful twinge arced across my chest as my eyes noticed previously unseen details. Obi-Wan's fallen hand had come to rest on the floor in the midst of a spilled folder of papers; his other hand rested lightly upon her arm, his thumb hidden just beneath the sleeve of her shirt and his fingers splayed across the bare skin of her arm. Stacey's hand lay draped across his chest as she held him close to her even in sleep. Her head was pillowed against his shoulder, his cheek on her forehead. They were deeply asleep, and although my first instinct was to wake them and send them off to bed, I also did not relish the idea of interrupting this moment between them. Reluctantly, I reached over to retrieve Obi-Wan's robe and draped it atop their loosely intertwined bodies. I averted my eyes as quickly as possible, turned off the lamp, and began to walk away. The day's warmth had dissipated shortly after sunset, and as I passed by the open windows in front of the couch I realized that the chill in the air was not merely a fabrication of my mood. I heard a faint rustle from the direction of the couch, but I did not turn around. I drew in a deep breath as I quickly pulled the windows closed and resumed my course toward the stairs leading up to our rooms.

Stacey's wide-open bedroom door served only as harsh confirmation of what I had just seen. In the dim light, I could see her still-unpacked bag sitting on her bed. I winced. My mind reeled with unbidden questions; what had they been doing all day without me, why were they laying so close together on the couch, how long had they been asleep? I closed my own door in a vain attempt to distance myself from the doubts crowding into my thoughts. Perhaps I have been foolish in my hopes to be with her... My mind instinctively circled like a predator around the one thought I feared most. Perhaps her feelings for me have changed.

I peeled the robe from my tired shoulders and allowed it to fall, crumpled, onto the bed. As I changed into my sleep pants, I reminded myself that I should meditate; however, my heart instinctively told me that I wasn't quite ready for that just yet. Instead, I walked over to the small window and leaned on its ledge as I attempted to sort through my chaotic thoughts and feelings.

As I gazed out, I could see my own faint reflection superimposed upon the backdrop of the darkened landscape. The moonlight coming from above had lent everything a silvery sheen, making the ordinary appear considerably less so. But in comparison to the splendor of the night outside, my own reflection left much to be desired. My eyes appeared particularly worn, I noticed, although whether that was the result of fatigue or the dull heartache pulsing through me, I did not know. I lengthened my focus, then, and admired the old, stately trees in the courtyard outside. Standing tall and resolute, they began to dance ever so gently in the light breeze that had arisen. I could hear the rustling of their broad leaves as the breeze stirred between them, and the bittersweet recognition of hearing Stacey's favorite sound brought my thoughts back to her.

I had been keenly aware for some time of her hesitation whenever I attempted to share a moment of intimacy, of affection. Her eyes would dart away from my own, her muscles suddenly tighten, her breathing accelerate at even the slightest whisper of a touch. I did not pry into her thoughts, but one does not need the Force to notice such visible reactions. The ache in my heart grew stronger as I recalled the gentle coaxing required whenever she spent the night with me; clearly, she desired my companionship but was still reluctant to explore it. And yet I had just seen her curled up at my Padawan's side, unmistakably relaxed and contented. Perhaps Obi-Wan is indeed the more natural choice for her to be with, for her to share this intimacy with...

Stacey acknowledged, after our heated argument on Chad, that she has feelings both for myself and for Obi-Wan. I have accepted this. However, seeing her wrapped in his embrace brought an unwelcome host of thoughts to my mind. Duty prevented me from being there with her tonight, and she found comfort with Obi-Wan instead. Replaced. My life as a Jedi has certainly been difficult, but not in many years have I felt such personal heartache in light of the duty I must bear. I felt the bitter hand of jealousy attempting to ensnare my heart, and I drew in a long, deep breath to silence the hurtful emotions which stole around me. Somehow, in this moment, it seemed so much easier to maintain control in even the most heated diplomatic relations than in these matters of my own heart.

I decided to forego meditation altogether, and instead switched off the light and settled into bed. As I lay there, I could almost feel the weight of her head on my own shoulder, her soft skin beneath my fingertips, her chest rhythmically expanding and contracting against my side. I could almost taste the sweet scent of her hair, and sense the delighted peace of her mind in its slumber. Almost.

I pulled the lightweight blanket up to my waist, and drew my hands to rest upon my chest as I banished the sensations from my memory.

My bed had never felt so empty.

On to part 40

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