Author's Note: This is my third Interlude which fits into Stacey's piece at the end of part 6. It picks up from after Qui-Gon puts Stacey's mind to rest.
Rating: G
Acknowledgements: Thanks go to Stacey, for continuing to let me contribute to your work; for your suggestions, and for a very thorough beta. You're the greatest! Qui-Gon, thanks go to you as well for all those days of waking me up at ungodly hours so I could listen to your rambling. I complain about it, but you know I love you. Now that this is done though, me and Obi-Wan are going to get some sleep if you don't mind.
Disclaimer: I wrote this to get the Master to quit yammering so I could get some shut-eye. I love doing this too much to want to gain any profit from it! This piece also revolves around the TPM One Destiny tone poem commercial.
Feedback: Always craved! Please, please? Thank you! -avatar 06081999

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Qui-Gon Jinn pulled the door shut softly and breathed a quiet sigh. She wrung from him emotions that surprised and troubled by their intensity. Why was this so? And what was the nature of those emotions? he pondered. Frowning slightly, he strode across the living room to stand by the windows, arms crossed against his chest. It was raining again, rather heavily in fact. Qui-Gon stared out the windows absently, studying the darkness that flashed into brilliance with each stab of lightning. His piercing blue eyes picked out the rivulets of water trickling down the transparisteel panes. The faint light from the room was enough to make them glint silver against the backdrop of the dark night. Sounds from the storm were muted in the room but he could still hear a soft patter punctuated by faint rumblings of thunder. He suddenly longed to step outside, to feel the stinging raindrops upon his skin and to smell the cool, wet air. She was right, of course -- storms were fascinating...especially when they reflected the turmoil of one's mind, he thought with a hint of amused annoyance. He stood there watching for a long moment. Slowly, the storm began to taper off, although the lightning flashes continued in the distance. Unless he addressed it, he knew that his unrest, like the storm, would continue long after he had gone to bed.

The Jedi Master took a deep breath. It had been a long time since he was assaulted by such strong feelings and memories. I need to work through this, he told himself. Moving to the centre of the room and kneeling into a meditative pose, he closed his eyes, looking inwards instead, stilling himself to meditate on the images and emotions plaguing this thoughts this evening. Only through meditation would he find the answers he sought.

His mind returned to what had happened earlier. He had been watching her from the doorway for some time before she finally awoke, sensing his presence even through her troubled sleep. Qui-Gon had tried to delay doing what his heart told him to do, fighting the urge within him to rouse her the moment he sensed the dreams taking hold. Comforting someone from troubled sleep was something he had done often enough in the past with his Padawan, but tonight with her, he had been reluctant to carry out such a simple action. Part of him reasoned that she needed to face those dreams on her own. But he knew that in truth, a large part of his hesitation had been due to the still undetermined reasons for roiling emotions, emotions he was not sure should be spoken of just yet. He certainly knew that this was true on her part -- she had all but admitted that. But, Qui-Gon questioned himself mercilessly, why is it true on my part as well? What exactly were the feelings and memories that were being dredged up?

It will be a hard life...

Memories of himself? His past? He had known from the beginning that becoming a Jedi would entail a hard life, by anyone's standards. There had never been any doubt about that. His own training had taken many years -- first as a Temple initiate, then as an apprentice. Later as a Knight, life did not get any easier, nor was it now, as a Master. He was perhaps more capable of handling difficulties, but every so often he found himself caught unawares. Yet this was not a complaint, for in every situation, there were lessons to be learned. This is true of the present instance also, he reminded himself, but what is the lesson here? He pondered this for a few moments then allowed his mind to roam freely once more.

He had accepted the life of a Jedi gladly; for instinctively, he knew his calling was as a Guardian of Peace and Justice. His skills made him well suited for the task and it had become so much a part of him that as challenging as it was, he could see no other life for himself.

It was a hard life, yes. He had seen death more times than he could remember -- comrades falling in battle, bloodshed on countless planets, the loss of an apprentice to the Dark Side. The memories caused a jolt of pain to shoot through him, startling in its intensity. Qui-Gon breathed deeply, calming himself and accepting the pain, allowing it to wash through him; letting it remind him that these experiences were part of what made him the man he was today.

One without reward...

In the eyes of many, the life of a Jedi was an unrewarding one. To them, it was impossible to understand why anyone would willingly choose to be a Jedi -- members of the Order did not receive power or wealth in return for carrying out their often difficult tasks. But this view missed the point, for such rewards were not craved by those who worked selflessly as Servants of the Republic. Qui-Gon, like his compatriots, found reward in things that others would not. Simply put, he found joy in carrying out the duties of a Jedi...in knowing he had the opportunity to serve others and the ability to carry out his duties well.

There were, of course, other considerations also. What of Obi-Wan? His young Padawan was the light of his Master's life...he was the son that Qui-Gon never had, and he would make an excellent Knight. Qui-Gon was certain of this.

What he was less certain about was Stacey. She had brought something new into their lives. But what was it? Qui-Gon struggled to recognize the tendrils of emotions that teased at him when he thought of her, but once again, they eluded his mental grasp.

Without remorse...

A path once taken could not be changed, no matter what his feelings, no matter what the consequences...lingering too much on the past would not achieve anything. Certainly, there had been times when Qui-Gon had done things that might have led others to feel remorse. He himself had sometimes felt a hint of it, but he was not one to dwell on this. There could be no room for guilt, there must not be -- it would interfere with his ability to carry out his duties. Guilt, like pain, when felt would be acknowledged, meditated upon and then released.

Ultimately, he knew there was no need for remorse because he was one who gave of himself fully, to the Force, to his duties. He was a man whose actions were dictated by the Living Force. Where others may have tried to gauge their course of action by peering into the future as best they could, he knew this to be a futile exercise, shaky at best. Take care of the present and the future will unfold as the Force wills it to. It has gotten me into disagreements often enough, he smiled ruefully, but this was his way and he served the Force well in this manner.

His mind returned to Stacey. He was the cause of her unsettled mind and he had done his best to reassure her. As often happened, she once again brought to mind his young apprentice. He knew that as Obi-Wan's Master, he had sometimes been distant. Qui-Gon was a reserved man under most circumstances and it was something Obi-Wan had learned to accept and not be unnerved by. But she had no such experience to draw upon. They had only known each other for a few days. He must be mindful of this.

Qui-Gon suddenly realized that part of his disquiet was caused by the way she reminded him of Obi-Wan in the early years of their Master-Padawan relationship, and he was not always pleased with how he had handled himself in those times. He knew Obi-Wan had been fearful of not pleasing him in the beginning, of not being worthy enough to be his apprentice. In those early days, there were times when he had not been as affirming of the boy as he could have been. It was not that he had not encouraged him, it was just that he could have encouraged him more. Often, Obi-Wan had taken his Master's quiet pride as a sign that he had not performed well enough. It had taken some time before his Padawan learned to see Qui-Gon's silent approval for what it was. The Jedi Master had set high standards for his apprentice and Obi-Wan had met, and more often than not, even surpassed those expectations. The approval and pride was easier to acknowledge now, with years of the Master-Padawan bond behind them.

Without regret...

Up till now, if anyone had asked, Qui-Gon would have said that he had no regrets for choosing this life. He thought he had left any regrets behind him. But now, his emotions made him question this. When, in the past, have I felt regret? Once perhaps, for a life not lived. What he could have become had he not been a Jedi. But he did not dwell overly upon this -- he knew this was where he belonged.

His deepest regret was perhaps not for himself but for Obi-Wan -- that the young man had not had a more settled life, one with the constant presence of close friends. Ever since becoming his apprentice, Obi-Wan rarely left Qui-Gon's side. The place of the Padawan was by his Master of course, but that also meant that Obi-Wan never stayed in the Temple or in any one place long enough to form deep friendships, and friends were always good to have around. They taught you to see yourself and the world in a different light. Qui-Gon knew Obi-Wan would protest at this...his apprentice would say that he did indeed have a very close companion -- his Master. Qui-Gon smiled fondly. He knew his Padawan loved him and he returned that love. Still, it would not hurt for Obi-Wan to have a close friend or two apart from his Master.

Qui-Gon's smile widened as he thought of his apprentice. If the Jedi Master had ever dwelled on his own regrets any longer than he should have, the thought of Obi-Wan banished them from his mind. His young Padawan had brought nothing but joy into his life. With him, Qui-Gon could be, and was, Jedi, father, teacher, friend and companion.

Recently though, Stacey provided Obi-Wan with some young camaraderie, despite having stepped into their lives unexpectedly. The young woman was strong and had courage, she reminded him in some ways of Obi-Wan, perhaps even of himself. Not that I would admit it to anyone, he thought dryly. But her presence...it had awoken long buried memories and desires. Desires? Qui-Gon's eyes snapped open. Where had that come from? What do I desire? His churning emotions flared to life once more. He studied them thoughtfully for a long moment, then fought to calm his mind and closed his eyes once again.

A path will be placed before you...

The paths that had been placed before him had not been easy but he had journeyed them anyway, seldom knowing what the outcome would be, knowing only that his actions were guided by the Force. There were many times when Qui-Gon had questioned the certainty he felt of what he must do, even though he knew that his confidence came from the knowledge that he was guided by the Force. The paths he had to travel were made even more difficult when his actions had the potential for creating much suffering, but in hindsight, he could see that there was a point to his deeds, even though it was not always immediately understood.

Most of the time, Qui-Gon had heeded the will of the Force. He smirked, most of the time. The few instances when he had been too stubborn to, and had chosen to ignore what he knew was the path he should take, the Force had worked its will anyway. He had been unwilling to accept Obi-Wan as his Padawan at first, even though he knew it was meant to be; and it had still come to pass. He smiled in recognition of this well-worn path his meditation had taken...he did not know if all things were pre-destined or if he had some measure of free will. He suspected not even Yoda knew with certainty. Perhaps he was meant to deny Obi-Wan at first, for that denial had led them both to learn things about themselves and each other, lessons they would not have learned otherwise. A faint smile tugged at the corners of Qui-Gon's lips. I am beginning to understand now...

The choice is your alone...

It was hard to make a choice on the path to take when your decision could mean the death or life of countless others. It was a choice he had made many times and would no doubt make many times more. It was not something he relished, but it had to be done.

In a way, the decision he had taken on this specific path was as difficult a one to make, yet the choice had been his -- he had chosen to let her remain with him. Part of it was because the Force told him to -- that she had a role to play in this mission. But there was something more. There was some part of it which told him that she had a role to play in his life as well. Already, her presence was forcing him to confront things within himself that he would otherwise have left uncovered. He had not ventured down this particular path in a very long time and somewhat hesitantly, he continued on...

Do what you think you cannot do...

There had been times when he had thought he could not go on -- times when Obi-Wan had been injured almost beyond the point of recovery. That he would lose his student would not have been bearable to him. He could not see himself continue without his Padawan by his side, but he knew, if it ever happened, that he would have to. He had always been able to pull the best out of himself to do what was needed.

There had been times when he had gone against the wishes of the Council. He smiled sadly. There had been many of those times. Again, it was not something he liked doing. He had the greatest respect for the Council but too often, they were caught up with what could happen in the future. Qui-Gon shook his head imperceptibly. Look after the present and the future will take care of itself. The Jedi Master sighed. The Council was often also too rigid in their interpretation of the Code. Rules served the Jedi well, but they were merely a guide and outside the Temple walls, did not always work as they had been intended to.

He forced his mind to return to the present, to the reason for his meditation. He realized now that he needed to confront his thoughts and emotions, study them carefully. As a Jedi, this was something he did all the time, or at least he thought he did. But he knew there were some things that no one could completely banish, things that were harder to face than others, things that one might be tricked into believing had been successfully confronted when really, they had only settled into the deep recesses of the mind. Jedi were still living beings, they were not perfect -- some trace of doubt and uncertainty always remained. The trick was to control that uncertainty and not the other way around. But to control it properly, one needed to be aware of its existence and the reason for its existence...especially now, he needed to be more attentive to what he felt, even if he did not know the reasons for those feelings just yet, for those feelings would dictate how he acted towards her.

Be mindful of your feelings then, he told himself. That was all he could do for now. But why did those words sound so familiar? He paused, then chuckled in recognition. Hadn't he said those exact words to her not too long ago? I should take my own advice, he thought sardonically. Yes, that was all he could do for now. It was not the right moment to demand a conclusion. In time, the emotions would reveal themselves on their own. No good would come of forcing them to the surface when they were not ready to be unveiled -- they might be misinterpreted, possibly leading to more complications. Someone could get hurt. At the very least, it would result in confusion and neither he, nor Obi-Wan, and especially not Stacey, needed any more confusion at the moment.

For now, he would focus on this mission. He knew everything else would sort itself out if he did his part, and one could never accuse Qui-Gon Jinn of not doing his part.

It will be a hard life...

It had been a hard life. It was hard now, and it would continue to be so. Yet it was his life and he would not give it up for the world.

But you will find out who you are.

I am Jedi, but...I am also a man.

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This would have counted as a spoiler if I had inserted it at the beginning. But Star and Shytei, thanks for your description of the process of meditation. You let me know that I was on the right track after all!

On to part 7

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